An almost perfect mutt

One of my mutt’s favorite things to do is sneak a treat out of the cat box. Yup, my dog likes to eat cat shit, along with other gross things. Ace is far from the perfect dog, and I am far from the perfect owner. Here are 10 other things my mutt gets away with:

1. My mutt wipes his drool on me.
Not only is it gross that Ace is almost always drooling, but he has to walk over and wipe his face on my lap. I will be sitting down eating dinner, and he will walk over and cover my pants in drool. When he doesn’t purposely wipe his drool on me, he instead shakes his head and gets drool on the floor, the furniture, the walls, the cats, my clothes, my friends and family and their dogs.

2. My mutt eats sticks and then pukes.
When Ace and I play fetch with a stick or go for a walk with him off leash, he eats pieces of the sticks. Just tiny pieces at a time. If we’re playing fetch, the stick will slowly shrink and shrink until we need a new stick. Then Ace waits just long enough until we are inside again and he pukes up all the little wood pieces on my carpet.

3. My dog drinks every drop of water he can find.
Ace cannot leave a drop of water in his bowl. I don’t know why anyone would want to steal that water, because it’s 70 percent drool, but he thinks he needs to drink every last drop. I’m also not sure why I would want to steal it from him when I’m the one who gave it to him in the first place, but maybe it’s best to never trust a human. I am not sure. Drinking all water in sight is not limited to the sink, bathtub and toilet. Before I knew any better, Ace drank the whole toilet bowl. Twice.

4. My dog pukes up his water at least twice a week.
This is an understatement. Ace sometimes pukes every day. He drinks his water too fast and then out it comes.

5. My dog pukes up his food and then eats it.
This is probably a weekly occurrence. The food is eaten, then seconds later it’s back. Then it’s eaten again. At least that helps with the cleanup on my part. He also does not care what he pukes on. It could be on the carpet, a pile of clothes, a towel, a blanket, the car seat, but rarely on a hard floor or outside. I’ve thrown away a few shirts and blankets because of this.

6. My dog licks himself, um, inappropriately.
Always at the worst times, there is my dog, licking himself between his legs. And boy can he get into it. Then he’s ready to give lots of kisses!

7. My dog eats the armpits out of shirts.

8. My dog steals food.
Ace looks innocent. But he’s pretty sneaky when it comes to stealing food. One time he ate a muffin (wrapper and all) out of a bag of bakery treats left unguarded. If it hadn’t been for the drool evidence inside the bag, Ace might’ve gotten away with it.

9. My dog sleeps on the furniture when I’m not home.
If I forget to block off certain areas before I leave my apartment, the couch or bed is always warm for me when I come home. The drool and hair are added bonuses.

10. My dog farts.
These things are silent but deadly. Enough said.

So, what does your dog do? Is yours grosser than mine?

Black lab mix Ace rolling in dead grass

12 thoughts on “An almost perfect mutt”

  1. What a hilarious post! God, can I relate to that or what?! My golden is exactly the same! I just finished reading the book, IT’S A DOG’S LIFE…BUT IT’S YOUR CARPET. One of the questions the vet answers in the book is why the dogs lick their–well you know what. The answer is: because they can.
    I found that so funny!

    Mayra Calvani’s last blog post..On the Author/Illustrator Relationship…

  2. My first dog was quite spoiled (can’t imagine how she got that way) and never saw the logic in housebreaking. But I loved her madly anyway.

    feefifoto’s last blog post..Thursday Thirteen: Thirteen Years Worth Of Varmint Visitors

  3. Ha! Good post. My Rottie is a bit of a drooler/puker as well.

    You need to switch that food, though. It could help with eating cat poop (although somewhat doubtful at this point) and could definitely help with the farting.

    Ty Brown’s last blog post..Question about a lab

  4. hahaha! My dogs do almost all those nasty things.. We dont have kitties so they don’t get access to litter snickers. Mine are also neutered and they dont really care about “down there” (thank goodness.. that would drive me nuts)

    Lora’s last blog post..Bush’s Baked Beans are a NO-NO!

  5. This is hilarious. We don’t have a dog, so we cannot tell you about ours. But my favorite passive aggressive thing to do is puke all over my human’s purses when I feel she has not paid proper attention to me.

    That gets her attention.


    Jazmin’s last blog post..Humans and Animal Rights

  6. castocreations

    hahahahahaha This really sounds like my Trooper Bear. Especially the silent but deadly toots.

    Did you read my post a couple days ago on drool? Trooper drools like a fountain. It’s so gross and makes the floors slippery. I had no idea that Malamutes drooled. Sheesh. But I also posted on these adorable drool towels that have the cutest sayings.

    Does your dog roll in poo? ‘Cause mine love it! In fact Kodiak rolled in fresh Sheep poo last night. Oh it was a joy to behold. I blogged about that today. *sigh*

    Goofy dogs. =)

    castocreations’s last blog post..My Dog Turned Green

  7. Lindsay Stordahl

    I have the litter box adjusted now so it’s not in Ace’s normal traffic path. He rarely gets to it, but he will if he gets a chance! I will be switching his food soon.

    I did read about the malamute drooling. Ha, that is so gross.

    Jazz, you are hilarious! Way to keep your human in line!

    Lora, Ace is neutered, and he still licks down there!

  8. Hi! This post is hysterical!!!!

    I love the blunt descriptions. Any non-dogger would just flip their wig. I think mine even flipped!

    I remember the major drooling from my old Rottie days. The head-shaking that would make the gross-out “ropes” of drool end up crisscrossed around his muzzle.

    I call the cat-box treats “kitty roca”, cuz they do look just like Almond Roca candy!!

    I went to dog’s birthday party where the cake was decorated with a cat-box tableau on top featuring lovely kitty-rocas. Over the top!

    Pep also does roll in unspeakable things, like rotten crabs at the beach, and nasty-nasty possum poop.

    She’s really immaculate in the house, though, has never disturbed anything of mine, ever. I scored in that department! Religious crate-training as a pup, though.

    One thing though: When Pepper catches a mouse or rat, he parades with the body for a little, then places the corpse gently inside one of my husband’s shoes. He’s learned to shake his shoes out before putting them on. Anyone have a dog dictionary and can tell me what that gesture means? Is it love?

    Here’s to those rancid, room-clearing, big-dog farts! I do recall that the old Rottie did “run a little rich” way back when!

    Thanks again for the total crack-up today, Lindsay!

    Bonnie Story’s last blog post..CA Friends from the Wayback Machine

  9. Hehehehe Ace sounds wonderful. A true dog’s dog.

    Keeda gets away with the worst thing of all, I think it even beats yours and this is definitely NOT something men should read 😮

    When we let her out and about and forget to close the toilet door she gets used pads from the bin and drags them around the house! Thankfully they’re wrapped in toilet paper. I felt gross even typing that :S :S.

    Liza S.’s last blog post..How Do I Tell a Girl I Like Her?

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