I didn’t see my mutt Ace for more than two weeks while I traveled across North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Washington, Oregon and California last month. Ace got to stay with my parents in Wisconsin.
I missed Ace terribly. But did he miss me? Nope.
One mistake people make is to project human emotions to their dogs. It’s easy to do. I admit it made me feel better to believe Ace and my cats missed me. In reality, they probably forgot I left. Someone else was feeding them, playing with them and giving them affection. That’s about all they care about. It’s part of being an animal and living in the moment.
When I drove away from my parents’ house without Ace last month, he paced and watched me intently. He was anxious when he realized I was leaving him behind because his usual routine is to be with me.
But the second my car was out of sight, Ace immediately moved on. Instead of pining over me, he grabbed his tennis ball and followed my mom and her dogs around. Whether or not I was coming back was not really an issue for Ace. When I finally did return, he was happy. But he would’ve been happy to see anyone, especially someone holding a tennis ball.
When I went to get Ace, he was happy to see me just because I was there, not because I’d been gone a long time. Once he saw me, he forgot I had been gone in the first place. He was like, “Oh, hey! Didn’t see ya there!”
Dogs react to our emotions
If I were to walk out and get the mail and come back acting like I hadn’t seen my dog in two weeks, he would greet me with matching energy.
If you don’t know what I mean, give it a try.
Walk to the end of your driveway without your dog. Then go back inside, call out “Ace! I haven’t seen you forever, buddy!” and get down on your hands and knees. Your dog will use this opportunity to soak up some extra attention by rolling on the ground in front of you, licking you or at least wagging his tail.
It’s not that your dog is faking anything. It’s just that he truly picks up on your energy. That’s why people love dogs!
You could also try the same experiment, only this time walk through the door and completely ignore your dog. Don’t talk to him. Don’t touch him. Don’t even look in his direction. You will get a very different response than the first time you walked through the door.
If you want to teach your dog to be calm when people visit, the first step is to stop training him to act so excited every time you come home! It’s unfair to expect him to act one way when you come home and another way when guests visit.
A dog’s concept of time
Ace had no idea I’d been gone for two weeks.
One of the reasons I’m able to leave my dog when I travel is because I know he has a great time when I’m gone. If he thought about me at all, he wasn’t thinking about why I left, and he definitely had no concept of how long I’d been gone. Instead, he was thinking about his food, his toys, smelling the Wisconsin breeze and following my mom’s dogs around. I’m convinced he did not think about me at all.
Dogs do not worry about the past or the future. They make the best out of their current situations. It’s the reason why dogs can adapt to new homes or life in a shelter.
Ace adapted just fine when I adopted him from his previous owner. I like to think there’s something special about me, but Ace would adapt just fine to a third or a fourth home. As far as Ace is concerned, anyone willing to throw a tennis ball could provide him a pretty good home.
My dog is mad at me for leaving
I do a lot of pet sitting in Fargo, and I also worked at a boarding kennel for years. Through these jobs I’ve dealt with dog owners of all kinds. Many dog owners don’t understand their dogs and want to believe their dogs are pining over them the whole time they’re gone.
The dogs I take care of are always, always having a great time without their owners. Most dogs are going to have a great time with someone willing to walk them, run them, play with them, pet them and feed them. It’s very basic.
Whenever Ace has stayed with anyone new or at a boarding kennel, he comes home exhausted from the extra mental and physical stimulation. He is somewhat introverted like me and needs to “recharge” after being around new people or new places. He will sleep for a good 36 hours when he comes home. The more tired he is, the more fun I know he had.
It’s as though Ace is thinking, “Well, there’s nothing going on here, time to catch up on some sleep.”
This lethargic behavior can cause dog owners to believe their dogs are holding grudges against them for leaving. This is not true at all. A dog is not capable of holding a grudge, because that would involve holding onto the past. If your dog is acting differently when you bring him home, it’s most likely because he’s tired.
I know that when my dog comes home from a pet sitter’s house or a kennel, he is just catching up on some well-needed rest. He is not sick or depressed, and he has no bad feelings towards me for leaving him.
I’m tired after a vacation or a day of hard work, and so is my dog. It’s as simple as that.
In what ways do you accidentally humanize your dog? How does your dog act when you come home?
Thank you for being patient while I was having technical issues with my web site. I was unable to post anything for a good three weeks, but everything should be back to normal now.
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Thanks you so much. Has anyone ever told you that you are a really good person? Now I am about to ask for another piece of advice…sorry for all the trouble…I will be leaving my dog at granma’s place since my parents are going with me and the only person who will be at my house is my brother who is not the most responsable person in the world…also my grandma is a freaquand visitor at my own house so my dog already know who she is and aknoleges her as a part of her family. Do you consider it be nice if I take my dog to grandma’s a couple of times before I go on my trip?….I was thinking of going with him and staying with my dog and grandma for a few hours…then we both go back home together and a few day after that go to grandma’s again but let him stay the night then come back, then another time 2 nights in a row and so on until he gets use to spending time in grandma’s. Do you think this might be nice for him? Thanks for the time to answer…
Thanks. Not sure if anyone has told me that or not.
I think your idea of gradually leaving your dog with your grandma for short periods at first and then longer and longer is a great idea. It will help your dog feel more comfortable at her house. It will also help your grandma feel more comfortable with him. And you will feel better about leaving him.
I’m new to this conversation and here is my situation. I have two dogs, a 12-year-old Bichon/Shihtzu and one of (3) of her 9 year old grown pups. My brother and his family have owned one of the other pups, and since we live in the same vacinity, we all see each other constantly. They have recently had to move to an area that doesn’t allow dogs, so as heartbreaking as it has been, they’ve decided to give the dog to their daughter who lives about 12 hours away. I begged to have the dog, but they feel strongly that he will be better with her, as they would like to keep a connection with her and it was originally her dog. I love this little dog dearly and have been in tears for weeks. He has been allowed to stay with me during the time between the move and when the daughter can come get him. Well that time came 2 days ago, and I’m devestated. I cried when he left, which I now know was probably more stressful for him. I know I would have made his life really great, but I also know that I do humanize and tend to spoil. But I have nice dogs.
I’m sorry that you miss the dog, but ultimately it was the dog’s owner’s decision. The dog will likely do well in her new home.
Since you love dog’s so much and can provide a good home for dogs, you could always consider fostering or adopting another dog from a shelter or rescue in your area. Just be careful not to get too attached to the dog unless you really are prepared to adopt.
You hve no idea how much better this made me feel. I was looking forward to coming home from vacation before we even left because I have been so upset about leaving my dogs. I have two step sons and no biological children of my own, so I feel like they are my sons. Thank you for this!
It is hard to leave them, isn’t it? You can be sure your dogs are having a great time without you! Glad I could help!
I have an English springer spaniel who is 6 years old. We have always taken him on vacation with us since the day we got him! We have no children and we adore him and have definitely humanized him! We are traveling with friends for 10 days and cannot take him! We are leaving in a couple of weeks, and I am already having anxieties. His groomer is keeping him for us and he adores her and vice versa. She has three other dogs in the house and will even sleep with him if he desires. This is the best scenario. He will be very safe, yet, I still worry about him missing us! We will take his toys and special things. I guess some reassurance that he will be fine and not have the separation anxiety that I am alrady feeling. Your posts and responses are making me feel much better, however!
He will probably do fine since he knows the groomer and will have three other dogs to keep him busy. If he shows signs of separation anxiety when you leave him home alone at your house, he will probably act that way at the groomer’s house. If he is fine when you leave him alone normally, he will probably be fine when she has to leave him for short periods.
As for missing you, he will be having way too much fun playing! But he’ll be so happy to see you when you return!
Hey there. I had been fostering a dog for six months. I had grown attached to him but knew I couldn’t permanently keep him with my current situation. He got adopted yesterday. I was so happy he got a home, but at the same time my heart is very broken. Will he forget me? I want him to. I am sure he has moved on, but in my head I feel like he misses me. If a dog will never see you again, do they quickly move on? Put my mind at ease, please!
Dogs have the great ability to move on very quickly, like within weeks or days. Some move on within minutes. That doesn’t mean the dog won’t remember you if he ever sees you again. It just means the dog is making the best of what he has at that very moment.
I have just returned after being away nine days for Christmas. The breeder of my tiny, 3-pound, 2-year-old yorkie kept her. Back in the summer, I had a pet sitter for about five days and she came to our home. In both cases, they each told me that our fur baby was depressed and would not eat. The breeder went so far as to say that if we were ever permanently separated from her, she does not feel our little one would survive. She is very attached to us, to me somewhat more than my hubby. She has appeared to have separation anxiety whenever we are away from her. We love her very much and worry about future separations.
I’m so sorry to hear your little yorkie does not do well when you are not around. I’m sure this is very hard for you as well. Have you tried leaving her for short periods at a daycare or with trusted friends? Hopefully this could get her slowly used to being apart from you, especially if that person takes her for a walk or does something with her that she loves doing.
It does sound like your dog has some separation anxiety. You may be interested in my post on dog separation anxiety and how to help a dog that has it: http://www.thatmutt.com/2010/05/08/dog-separation-anxiety-2/
You may also be interested in my post about what to do if your dog won’t eat.
http://www.thatmutt.com/2009/12/27/my-dog-wont-eat/
Dogs are animals with instincts that tell them to eat when they are hungry, and they will not starve themselves to death. They will eat when they are hungry enough. I’ve seen a lot of small dogs especially that will go days without eating and they are fine.
I think that dogs do miss their masters because on a trip to Barbados, we toured the Island on a small bus. While passing a cemetery, I had seen a fresh grave nearby with a dog stretched out on it, just lying there. It broke my heart. I had read or seen on the Internet of a dog in Japan who met his master at the train station every day. One day the master hadn’t arrived and the dog kept coming back.
Dogs do love to roll in freshly dug up dirt. Just saying. They would also be interested in the smells there. Plus it would be cooler.
I don’t buy that train story, at least not in the way we have sensationalized it. Sure, that dog loved his master very much and they had a routine. The story is much simpler than we make it out to be. I realize this is a “true” story and the dog is famous, I just believe we humans look waaaay too much into it and humanize the dog.
Let me point out that anyone who claims that dogs only understand the here and now and don’t miss people, don’t recognise colors, don’t have memories of what Christmas is, that dogs like cats will love whoever owns them and not grieve over the loss of an owner or family member, etc., is ignorant. Any person who claims any of these things obviously keeps their dog outside or in a suitcase and doesn’t have a family-oriented dog.
My dog sees even the hint of wrapping paper or the Christmas tree and goes nuts and begins to search the room for his gift immediately. He also will often confuse things for being his leash, as he did the other night. His leash, both handle and retractable cord, is blue. Three electrical cords against the wall, one red, one green, one blue. He will from time to time, when excited,(if the room is dimly lit), attempt to pick up the blue cable, temporarily believing it to be the cord part of his leash. When I was younger and lived with my parents, I had a poodle that was obviously “my dog” as he was dedicated to me as opposed to others in the family. I left home to live on my own eventually and for the first week I was gone my prants said the dog would just sit at the front door at night (around our usual bedtime) and howl and howl for me.
There are true stories about dogs that have laid down on their dead masters’ graves and died there grieving for their “late” masters. I know of several accounts where my dogs have grieved because I was gone as well as my present dog. And he definitely knows what Christmas is about (at least as much as a 3-year-old kid does)!! Sometimes when he displays his intelligence, I think I see 4 or 5 (human) years old in him.
Of course dogs have feelings and grieve lots family members. Of course they have memories. It’s amazing what they can remember! But they also have the great ability to live in the moment. This is not a bad thing. It’s just different than humans.
I have had dozens of dogs stay in my home through my pet sitting business and every single dog is happy to adjust to my routine immediately. They do not pine over their owners. They are, however, thrilled when their owners return!
None of us really know whether or not dogs miss us or think about us when we are not around. We don’t truly know how a dog understands time. When I go on vacation and leave my dog, I miss him very much but I take comfort in knowing that he has a great time staying with my parents or a pet sitter. My dog is definitely a family oriented dog. He goes with me everywhere. He gets to do things that most dogs never get to do. All of his socialization has helped him feel confident and comfortable when I leave him with someone else.
Does he miss me when I’m gone? I don’t really know. More likely, he’s thinking about who is going to throw the ball for him next!
You’re wrong on many points. When I leave for the weekend, (every week) my pitbull Bella will be miserable until I come back, even with my family who she’s with every day. She whines and cries, won’t go outside, and she stays on the steps, staring at the door, waiting. When I return, she is the happiest.. Also, my dog years ago died by a broken heart after my other dog died. They were companions and grew up with eachother.. She missed him so much, like me and my dog. So you’re wrong sir.
I made a lot of generalizations in this post, and I’m glad you are arguing with me.
Of course dogs grieve. Of course dogs miss us. But what I’m getting at here is that dogs pick up on the emotions of everyone around them. If we are sad, our dogs are sad. If we are anxious, our dogs are anxious. If we are excited, our dogs are excited. There’s no way around this. Dogs have an admirable ability to move on much more quickly than we do.
Does your dog miss you when you are gone? Of course she does. But she is also picking up on the energy and emotions of everyone else in your family. I’m assuming you feel guilty leaving her so she in turn feels sad. I’m sure your family wishes you didn’t have to go, so Bella in turn feels anxiety about this as well. Dogs are also easily conditioned to act a certain way in certain situations. Since this has been going on for quite some time, she doesn’t know how to change her state of mind when you leave.
I know your dog loves you very much. That’s obvious. Thank you for your comment.
That does make sense.. And I’m sure like others here, I just.. Hate the thought of my Bella moving on with ease, you know? It just feels.. Wrong. But live for the moment, I know. When I read your post Lindsay, I’ll be honest, it made me think dogs were just emotion less, you know?
Dogs are full of emotions. They just are not as aware of their emotions as we are.
I was a bit insensitive when I wrote this post. It’s hard to leave our dogs, and some dogs (and humans) handle the separation differently than others. My dog feels anxious when my boyfriend and I separate on hikes and other outdoor activities. He wants us to all be together. I don’t know if this is because he feels the need to keep track of us or if it just feels wrong to him when we separate.
Thanks for admitting that part of the reason your dog might feel sad is because deep down you want her to miss you. I understand that. That’s part of being human, I guess. I want my dog to miss me, too. But I do know it’s better for him if he knows how to feel relaxed and have fun without me.
I enjoyed your post and reading everyone else’s. I know I humanize my dog. I tend to think my pug Bella does miss me especially since my mom tells me things like “oh the first day or two when u were gone she wouldn’t eat she missed u so” I am a little nervous though because I am leaving for vacation in three days and she will be staying with a friend for eight days and I have this fear she will not miss me or want to come back hOme with me. They have two dogs of there own so I know she will get lots of attentiOn and love and that I am glad of because I don’t want her to be all sad and missing me while I’m gone, but I also want her to want to come home when I return. Silly I know
Oh my gosh. Your dog will be thrilled to see you! Don’t worry!
She may be a little tired when you get back and appear to be depressed, but that will be just because she is catching up on well-needed rest from her vacation, just like you!
I really enjoyed reading your post because it makes me feel so much better about going away for a few days without my puppy (Tsuki – long hair mini doxie). She’s year old and one of my greatest fears is that she will “forget” about me while I am gone. I think that I want to monopolize her thoughts or something, haha! Sounds a bit possesive but I think it kind of explains my separation anxiety with her. But I know now that she will be enjoying the moment and having a blast, which means I should also have a blast and not worry about her thinking why am I not home yet.
Your dog will be just fine
I definitely have a bit of separation anxiety when I am away from my dog, so I know exactly what you mean! You will enjoy yourself more if you trust that your dog is in good hands while you are away.
Can’t say I fully agree with this article, over all it likely applies to a lot of dogs with a happy-go-lucky disposition, however that is only one category of dogs and not all dogs have that personality.
There are also a lot of dogs that have separation anxiety or that follow certain people like a shadow. When that person is gone and/or they’re placed in a new situation they do NOT act normally, and it can have nothing at all do with the rest of the families mood; the rest of the family can be carrying on their day like normal. I’ve had & known dogs that mope around the house for weeks when certain people are gone and go as far as not eating meals for a day or two if a certain person isn’t there to feed them. They’ll even stand around the area they last saw the person at every chance they get for a few days hoping they’ll come back.
I’ve also met dogs that are very shy and any new person and/or animal, despite a lot of positive socialization since puppy-hood, they’ll not want to interact with. Then there’s dogs that haven’t been socialized with humans and/or animals much so you know for sure they aren’t interested in spending time with anyone they don’t know, for those kind of dogs I’m positive they would not feel comfortable at a kennel.
I take care of dogs with separation anxiety all the time. I just take them out for some fun like a walk or to play fetch. They may not forget about their owners, but they totally accept the situation and make the best of it. It makes a big difference how the owner’s attitude is while leaving, too. Dogs read us very, very well. If we are anxious or if we feel guilty, the dog acts accordingly.
I just had to re-home my oldest dog of 5 years because of aggression that started a month ago with his son who will be 2 in feb. I had them seperated for the last month in crates and it killed me to do so. It got to the point where they couldn’t even be in the crates in the same room without being vicious. My problem i’m having not only missing him badly, i think he is thinking why did i give him away? When is she coming back?…And it’s making me extremely sad….I know I did the right thing as i also have 2 females whom he was starting to take his anger out on because he could not get to his son who was in a crate. She said that i can visit him whenever I want, but i think he is going to think he’s leaving with me and i’m taking him home. I can’t do that to him or myself. I would talk to him and i swear he knew every word I said to him….:(
Dogs have the ability to move on faster than we do. With time, your old dog will take to his new home just fine. You did the right thing by finding him a new loving home. He will be happy there. If you ever go visit him, he will be thrilled to see you. You can help him by not making too much of a big deal when you see him and also not making a big deal out of leaving again. If you choose not to see him again, that is OK too.
I have a 4 year old bichon/boston terrier cross that I am considering giving up. It is eating me up inside because she is so attached to me. She has developed some bad habits mainly concerning our cats, but a few other things also. I put out a notice on craigslist and have gotten several promising responses. But, I don’t see how she wouldn’t miss me. I’ve had her since a puppy and she is totally focused on me, not my husband. You say they move on and don’t dwell on the past, but I don’t think I could stand thinking that she might not be happy. It seems like it would be easier to handle a dog dying than to give them away.
You know what is best for you and what is best for the dog. I’m sorry you have to make such a difficult choice. I hope you can find another dog to love.
Your bichon cross will probably wonder where you are for a few days and then adjust to her new home just fine. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Dogs just have the ability to move on easier than humans do. It’s not good or bad, just different.
By giving your dog a new, loving home, you are doing a selfless thing.
Hello! I’m new here and have enjoyed reading everyone’s comments! You’ve provided much insight and helped to calm some of my fears and emotions when it comes to my dog. My job may be changing to a position that could keep me away from my dog up to 5 nights in a row, several times a month, for the forseeable future. Would my dog be o.k. in a doggie daycare for extended periods of time like that or would the constant come and go be stressful? Thanks so much!
She will get used to the routine! Find a dog daycare you are comfortable with.
We got a german shepherd pup a couple of months ago and i love her to pieces but im in a precidiment. We were thinking about giving her up because we feel like its unfair to make her stay in the kitchen when were out at work. Lee works 8 till 4 monday to friday and i work 25 hours a week but i can sometimes be in from 4 or sometimes the same as lee so some days she might not be alone for more than 2 hours but some days shes alone for maybe 8. I can take my hour break with her to break up her day. Now the person we were thinking of giving her up to works more so she would be on her own longer but she would be left outside all day instead. Which is best for her? This person doesnt believe that dogs should have toys or treats where as i do. Hes experienced with the breed and knows how to train them where as i do my best. What should i do because i know dogs are meant to be along sometimes?
Oh also i really worry that if she goes then she will be fine during the day but would wonder where we are of a night time and i dont want that. Shes in a routine and i dont want to confuse her. We love her to pieces and shes adorable.
I am not sure what the problem is. Most people work at least 8 hours per day. Do you think someone who works shouldn’t have a dog?
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your dog is fine. She loves you and you love her. There is nothing wrong with re-homing a dog if that is right for you and the dog, but your dog has it good where she is. A fenced yard is simply a big kennel to a dog.
My problem was that I want the best for her and if she has the option of sitting in a kitchen all day or being in the garden all day then which would be best for her? We love her to pieces but is that enough? I know she might not even notice we have gone if we do leave her with a new family but i worry that she might think that we abandoned her. We always take her for walks and let her in the garden but i still dont feel like she gets the exercise that she requires.
I don’t know which is better for her. Dogs can adapt to a new home easily. They move on quickly. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and won’t think about you, but she will accept the new owners as her home very quickly. She won’t feel like you abandoned her.
Just because she will have a yard to stay in does not mean that home would be better for her. Will this owner take her for walks? A yard is just a yard. Dogs need someone to walk them.
From what you’ve said, it seems like she has a good home with you. But if you truly believe another home would be better for her, then you would be re-homing her out of love. I hope you will find another dog that fits your lifestyle better.