I didn’t see my mutt Ace for more than two weeks while I traveled across North Dakota, Montana, Idaho, Washington, Oregon and California last month. Ace got to stay with my parents in Wisconsin.
I missed Ace terribly. But did he miss me? Nope.
One mistake people make is to project human emotions to their dogs. It’s easy to do. I admit it made me feel better to believe Ace and my cats missed me. In reality, they probably forgot I left. Someone else was feeding them, playing with them and giving them affection. That’s about all they care about. It’s part of being an animal and living in the moment.
When I drove away from my parents’ house without Ace last month, he paced and watched me intently. He was anxious when he realized I was leaving him behind because his usual routine is to be with me.
But the second my car was out of sight, Ace immediately moved on. Instead of pining over me, he grabbed his tennis ball and followed my mom and her dogs around. Whether or not I was coming back was not really an issue for Ace. When I finally did return, he was happy. But he would’ve been happy to see anyone, especially someone holding a tennis ball.
When I went to get Ace, he was happy to see me just because I was there, not because I’d been gone a long time. Once he saw me, he forgot I had been gone in the first place. He was like, “Oh, hey! Didn’t see ya there!”
Dogs react to our emotions
If I were to walk out and get the mail and come back acting like I hadn’t seen my dog in two weeks, he would greet me with matching energy.
If you don’t know what I mean, give it a try.
Walk to the end of your driveway without your dog. Then go back inside, call out “Ace! I haven’t seen you forever, buddy!” and get down on your hands and knees. Your dog will use this opportunity to soak up some extra attention by rolling on the ground in front of you, licking you or at least wagging his tail.
It’s not that your dog is faking anything. It’s just that he truly picks up on your energy. That’s why people love dogs!
You could also try the same experiment, only this time walk through the door and completely ignore your dog. Don’t talk to him. Don’t touch him. Don’t even look in his direction. You will get a very different response than the first time you walked through the door.
If you want to teach your dog to be calm when people visit, the first step is to stop training him to act so excited every time you come home! It’s unfair to expect him to act one way when you come home and another way when guests visit.
A dog’s concept of time
Ace had no idea I’d been gone for two weeks.
One of the reasons I’m able to leave my dog when I travel is because I know he has a great time when I’m gone. If he thought about me at all, he wasn’t thinking about why I left, and he definitely had no concept of how long I’d been gone. Instead, he was thinking about his food, his toys, smelling the Wisconsin breeze and following my mom’s dogs around. I’m convinced he did not think about me at all.
Dogs do not worry about the past or the future. They make the best out of their current situations. It’s the reason why dogs can adapt to new homes or life in a shelter.
Ace adapted just fine when I adopted him from his previous owner. I like to think there’s something special about me, but Ace would adapt just fine to a third or a fourth home. As far as Ace is concerned, anyone willing to throw a tennis ball could provide him a pretty good home.
My dog is mad at me for leaving
I do a lot of pet sitting in Fargo, and I also worked at a boarding kennel for years. Through these jobs I’ve dealt with dog owners of all kinds. Many dog owners don’t understand their dogs and want to believe their dogs are pining over them the whole time they’re gone.
The dogs I take care of are always, always having a great time without their owners. Most dogs are going to have a great time with someone willing to walk them, run them, play with them, pet them and feed them. It’s very basic.
Whenever Ace has stayed with anyone new or at a boarding kennel, he comes home exhausted from the extra mental and physical stimulation. He is somewhat introverted like me and needs to “recharge” after being around new people or new places. He will sleep for a good 36 hours when he comes home. The more tired he is, the more fun I know he had.
It’s as though Ace is thinking, “Well, there’s nothing going on here, time to catch up on some sleep.”
This lethargic behavior can cause dog owners to believe their dogs are holding grudges against them for leaving. This is not true at all. A dog is not capable of holding a grudge, because that would involve holding onto the past. If your dog is acting differently when you bring him home, it’s most likely because he’s tired.
I know that when my dog comes home from a pet sitter’s house or a kennel, he is just catching up on some well-needed rest. He is not sick or depressed, and he has no bad feelings towards me for leaving him.
I’m tired after a vacation or a day of hard work, and so is my dog. It’s as simple as that.
In what ways do you accidentally humanize your dog? How does your dog act when you come home?
Thank you for being patient while I was having technical issues with my web site. I was unable to post anything for a good three weeks, but everything should be back to normal now.
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July 31st, 2009 at 11:33 am
That’s all so true, and such a relief to know. I’m one of those compulsive “projectors” with Pepper, and I am always reading things into her behavior. It’s hard to stop… ;~} Also I see it really creates a feedback loop like you mentioned, from me to Pepper and then to me, I react and it goes back to her… That’s such a key concept. I know of people who have sacrificed lots of opportunity because they are afraid to board their dog for fear of “scarring it for life emotionally” somehow — I’m off to email this column to some friends!! Good to have you back up on my Google Reader, you have been missed. Arf!
July 31st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I’m glad to hear you agree with me and that you will send the post to some friends. It’s really hard to remember to treat our dogs like dogs. They’re better off that way.
I’m glad you missed me!
July 31st, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Glad you’re back. You are so right about projecting human emotions on dog. It is just so easy to do. I got all of my current dogs as adults and they didn’t look back at their owners. Of course I didn’t tell the humans that
July 31st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
It is easy to do. I do it all the time, but I like to believe I am at least aware of it. That’s funny that none of your dogs have looked back.
August 1st, 2009 at 9:55 am
Ha! Yeah, Gus howls and destroys the house if we leave him alone so he goes to daycare. We take him in and he knows they’ll give him a bunch of attention and he never looks back at us! It does seem like he’s attached to us since he gets really excited when we pick him up or when I come home. However, I know that he just wants attention from someone, anyone. He cheats on us all the time! Haha!
August 1st, 2009 at 11:48 am
Haha! That is a good way to put it. It’s so true, isn’t it?
August 1st, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Wonderful post and very timely. We’re going on holiday in 3 weeks and Amigo will stay at a kennel for the first time, so I’ve been wondering about all this.
Mayra
August 1st, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Great post! I love dogs. I am 16 and have two golden retrievers. Though it is dedicated to my goal on winning the Tour de France, my blog, http://anyone1can1do1it.blogspot.com/, has some great pics of my dogs!
August 2nd, 2009 at 10:52 am
Good post. The word of the day is ‘anthropomorphism’
August 2nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Oh, I hope Amigo does well at the kennel.
Thanks, Marshall!
Ty, you are so right!
August 4th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Great info, would you also say they don’t remember any of the mistakes you’ve done with them?
August 4th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Guess it depends. I know I’ve lost my temper and yelled at Ace more than I should have and he forgets about two minutes later even though I feel bad. But he’s not going to forget training mistakes that have been repeated such as me being too lenient about him barking at the door.
August 6th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Biggie doesn’t look back at all when he goes to day care or the kennel. The last time he dragged me to the pick up van and jumped in before I even had a chance to say goodbye! I’m the only who looks back… I feel a little sad, but wouldn’t have it any other way because I know he loves it and is having a great time.
As for “missing” us – when he is home alone, when one of us comes back from work he is pretty happy, but he really gets happy when the second person comes home, because that means the flock is complete. My husband and I used to joke that meant he loved one or the other of us better, but what it really is is that he loves the 2nd person better that day!
August 6th, 2009 at 8:38 am
Ha! I’m glad Biggie loves daycare so much. Most dogs do.
August 9th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
I am very guilty of humanizing my pup. For me the trigger is food. If I am eating something and he looks my way I feel immense guilt if I don’t give him a bit. It is as if he would resent me if I did not share. When I see dogs fight over food, I realise they have no human like expectations of sharing. In fact it seems to be a mark of a good leader to grab all the food.
August 10th, 2009 at 8:14 am
At least you admit it!
August 13th, 2009 at 10:25 am
I still think my dog misses me when I leave. And I only say this because when my MIL comes over to watch the dogs, she tells me that Trooper sits on the couch or chair and watches out the window after I leave. A couple of hours before I’m due home he plants himself there and waits…and apparently knows the sound of my car (though I’m not so sure of that one).
The other dogs don’t do this…just Trooper.
He’s my baby.
Hubby definitely humanizes all our dogs though. He is having an issue with me wanting to kennel them when I go into labor. He thinks its mean. WTH?!?! They’re going to LOVE it. lol
August 13th, 2009 at 10:40 am
I bet Trooper wants his pack to be together.
Ace will sometimes sit and cry if I go outside without him when he expected to go along for a walk. He will also cry sometimes if I leave him in the car in a new place.
August 13th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I found this blog while looking for some help. I love my dogs as though they were my children. All three. They sleep in the bed. They have to have at least one bite of whatever I am eating. I fuss over them all the time. They fight for my attention. They don’t even want to go outside and play unless I go with them. They want to be with me 24/7. Sometimes I put them in the backyard and close the door hopeing they will play and have a good time without me. Nope. They sit and stare at the door. Other then barking at people knocking at the door they are very well behaved. My work day takes me away for about 11.5 hours and when I come home everything is excactly the way I left it. I have never left them anywhere overnight. I don’t know if I ever will. I know this is all my fault. I just want my dogs to be able to play and have fun without me being involved. I am their pack leader and they do whatever I do. They have a big fenced in yard, lots of toys, platforms to lay on, porches, lots of shade and plenty of fresh water to drink. Yet still they act sad and bored unless I am with them. Right now they are all stareing at the door waiting for me to come open it. I feel so guilty.
August 13th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Are you sure they see you as their pack leader? One of the causes of “separation anxiety” is when the dog thinks she is the leader and therefore does not want to let “her” pack out of sight.
You say your dogs have tons of treats and toys, but do you walk them for an hour a day? When you do walk them, are they pulling you down the street? Who’s walking who? Increased exercise in a controlled manner will benefit the dogs and help them to just chill out when you get back home.
If you want the dogs to have more interaction when you’re gone, you could take them to dog daycare. This would also help build their socialization skills with other dogs and encourage them to play more.
August 13th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
Who said anything about seperation anxiety? Sorry, but you are way off. You have come to some conclusions that are entirely off base. I wanted a little conversation among dog lovers. Not a lesson on how to care for my dogs. Thanks anyway.
August 13th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
OK, I apologize. I did not mean any kind of extreme anxiety, just slightly since the dogs want to be with you at all times. When my dog wants to follow me everywhere, I consider that slight separation anxiety.
Good luck with your dogs.
August 22nd, 2009 at 2:41 am
I think the girls miss the structure and familiarity, but that can be provided by any human.
I think ur post is spot on Lindsay.. James I have the same with my two girls, and I think Lindsay is right with the seperation anxiety… My Danes are with me 24/7 moreso now for many reasons… the best gift I can give them is to be ‘happy’ dogs in my absence. Im sure Lindsay meant no disrespect to you or your dogs, she is just giving sound advice
August 22nd, 2009 at 10:24 am
Thanks, Abbey!
September 1st, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Well i have been gone for two weeks at college and i left my two huskies at home. my parents tell me that Ava (female) doesnt show any sign of missing me but Ajaxx (male) goes to my bedroom door and starts howling, he will pace around my bed and search every room. he has never done this and will do it a couple times a day. They also told me hell look out the window every time a car rolls by. which is another thing we never seen him do.
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:06 am
It will be interesting to see how long he continues this behavior and if he does it after you visit and leave again. I’m sure Ajaxx and Ava will both be thrilled when you go home to visit!
September 4th, 2009 at 10:01 am
My dog doesn’t seem to have any separation problems, in fact, when we come back home he doesn’t even come to greet us. He’s a lovely boy who seems to enjoy training and walking, but he never wags his tail in happiness or looks enthusiastic. He is loved, never shouted at, played with etc and has company all day. (He does wag is tail for new people, but once he has met you once, he doesn’t feel the need). Is there something I could do to get that tail wagging?
September 4th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
A dog doesn’t have to wag his tail to be happy. A wagging tail can mean many things – excitement, aggression, stress, agitation and yes playfulness and happiness.
I’m not sure you want to encourage excited behavior in your dog. He sounds calm, and that’s what most dog owners want! But I’m sure you could get that tail going with certain food, using your voice a certain way, getting out a toy he loves or going to the dog park.
September 5th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Thank you Lindsay. You’re absolutely right, I don’t want an over excited dog, but it would be lovely if he would acknowledge us from time to time – it really is quite extreme. I’m not sure if he feels so loved that he doesn’t have to beg for attention, if he thinks he’s the pack leader and doesn’t have to bother or if he’s just a dog of very few words. If I can’t change it, it would help to understand it – he’s a Cairn terrier
September 5th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
He might think he’s the pack leader, especially if you are always running up to him seeking attention. From a dog’s point of view, if he’s the leader, he doesn’t have to approach anyone. His followers come to him.
Your cairn terrier is probably just relaxed and comfortable in his environment. There are dogs of all personalities, same with humans. There are people (and dogs) who are calm all the time and don’t show emotion or excitement.
September 6th, 2009 at 2:50 am
I think you’re probably right, but today he wagged his tail at us twice, which is amazing. We’ll work on our pack leader approach which I’m sure will help us all. Thanks for your help.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Good luck getting that tail to wag!
September 10th, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Hi, could do with some advice. We have 2 dogs and are going on holiday next week for 1 week while they are going to stay with a pet sitter. Butch (dog) is really soft, clingy and loves lots of cuddles and I am really worried he will miss us too much. Belle (bitch) is not so bad as she is quite independant and likes playing in the garden alone or with Butch so I am not so worried about her. Do you think they will be ok?
September 10th, 2009 at 3:12 pm
Don’t worry about Butch. He will be fine, and will likely become great friends with the pet sitter. I am a pet sitter, and the dogs are always just fine. It’s the humans who are in rough shape leaving their dogs! Don’t make a big deal out of leaving, and that will help him adjust better. Remember you can always call to check on them. Enjoy your trip!
You may be interested in these other related posts related to what to expect from a pet sitter:
http://www.thatmutt.com/2009/02/10/questions-to-ask-a-pet-sitter/
http://www.thatmutt.com/2009/02/21/what-to-consider-before-hiring-a-pet-sitter/
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
My dog is afraid of people. I got a pet sitter to come in and he hid under the bed. What should I do?
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Introduce your dog to more people slowly. This will take time and patience. Make sure you are not coddling and comforting your dog when she’s acting insecure. This only shows her she has a reason to be scared. I wrote a post on how to get dogs used to children if they are scared of kids. You should follow these tips, only with people of all ages, not just kids: http://www.thatmutt.com/2009/08/19/dog-scared-of-children/
October 10th, 2009 at 10:30 am
I have the exact same problem James. The dogs think I need to be out in the yard with them. They will ignore me when I am out there, sniff around and do their thing but if I go inside, they follow. Wont stay out by themselves when I am home. I have two mals that get along great, they wrestle and play but I think they only do it when I am home to supervise. If I go out of town and leave them at the kennel they go on a hunger strike for several days.
October 10th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Ace does the same thing. If he’s outside by himself, he just sits by the door and waits for me.
Many dogs won’t eat when they go somewhere new because there is too much going on that they won’t take the time to eat. They don’t want to miss out on anything. I see this happen all the time when I’m pet sitting. Instead of eating, the dog wants to play or sniff or explore. Even my own dog will do this when we travel somewhere new and I’m right there with him. He might not eat for two days.
February 1st, 2010 at 2:45 am
I did a bad thing. I took on a rescue dog as a “foster” without getting agreement from my partner (he was away for the weekend and she was here when he got home!). I had been inquiring at a rescue society looking for a companion dog for my Lola, my schnoodle and in the process of the property inspection and meeting little Lexi, I agreed to try her out for awhile, and wound up hoping she would win over my partner and we could officially adopt her. She turned out to be a great little dog with a very sweet disposition and big, long-lashed eyes that melt your heart. But, she has been work…my dog is lukewarm toward her at best and the two of them together have created a muddy racetrack around the tree in our backyard which gets brought into the house (my partner is anal about dirt, so 8 paws must be wiped many, many times!!) Well i got an email tonight from the rescue group that 2 good appplications have been received for Lexi and my partner says she has to go. Even though he really likes her, he doesn’t want to deal with the extra work and hassle of a second dog. (we share our current dog with my ex and she leaves us to go to his house half the time with my daughter so we are just part time permanent pet owners. )
To my point: I’m feeling very sad to let her go and my daughter is quite upset. Mostly I am kicking myself for doing this because I brought the heartache on myself. I realize it was a stupid thing to do. Reading this blog has helped me somewhat but I still need a little reassurance to get over the sadness of thinking that Lexi will miss us. I console my daughter by telling her that Lexi’s forever home will be screened and shell definitely go to a family that will love her as much as we do. I’d like to think she won’t miss us and that she’ll move happily on to a new family and life and won’t be further “messed up” because of my rash decision to keep her and having it not pan out. She’s been through quite enough turmoil in her young life, from being brought to an overcrowded shelter in LA as a stray, to being adopted, then returned because of kennel cough, then contracting pneumonia and then rescued a day before she would have been killed, flown to Canada, sent to foster care, then moved to our home for a week (she won us over in a very short time) and now to be uprooted once again. I feel very guilty and ashamed of myself. Tell me she won’t miss me (she is sleeping on my bed, probably her last night here).
February 1st, 2010 at 7:40 am
I hate to break it to you but she will not miss you. After a day or so, she will move on and she will be happy in her new, loving home. You should be proud of yourself for helping this dog. It is not easy to foster a dog and then see her go, but think of the positive things such as how happy this family will be to get the dog. Don’t make it hard on the dog by being too emotional when she goes to her new home. Just give her plenty of exercise first and then treat it like it’s no big deal when she leaves. Good luck!
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:12 am
Thanks for breaking it to me, it’s what I wanted! I’m not feeling as sad as when I posted, and it will be awhile before she is adopted, there are a couple people interested in her but they have to pass inspection. I’m trying hard to tell everyone I know about her so maybe she will go to someone I know will provide a good home and also we can stay in touch.
Thanks for the kind words!
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:07 am
Maybe you will be able to keep fostering dogs. Or maybe there is one out there you will end up adopting.